It Also Attracts Football Players, I Bet

HTG Hollywood experienced its first Event genre this weekend with CzarTim's That Mother Effin' Liar. A combination of standup comedy and clips, the film has received mixed reaction from movie viewers.

"It's innovative."

"Where's the cute puppy? The bad knock knock jokes?"

Movie fans were treated to another premiere on Friday evening when reality TV actress Kim Kardashian was on hand at a local cinema to preview her upcoming new scent, titled "Event."

According to the company manufacturing the perfume, "It's a mixture of sweat and roses, with a little cigarette smoke thrown in. We think that people will enjoy the rich Hollywood aroma. Expect it on store shelves soon."

Wonder Inc.'s That Mother Effin' Liar is currently in theatres.

They Could Be Twins! Well, Let Me Put My Glasses On. Oops. Never Mind.

Things you may or may not have known about Oscar winner Sir Anthony Hopkins:

He's just 42 years old. It says so on the HTGmdb, so it must be true.

The talented actor has not appeared in an HTG film since 2007's Inherit the Wind.

He thinks Paris Hilton is stupid.

Apparently, in a recent interview, Sir Hopkins came close to saying so by stating "You look at the red carpet, Paris Hilton, you know, these people and you think, 'Is there anything going on up there?'"

Spokespeople for the hotel heiress were quick to respond.

"What does that guy know? He isn't working. Paris was in The Kid 2 just last year. She's obviously in greater demand than that fellow who got famous for playing a cannibal. And that paunch of his? Come on!"

Others are less than critical.

"Yeah, that Paris is an idiot. And the 'that's hot' bit? Get real. Besides, Sir Hopkins is in the new film City of Knowledge. Take that, you skank!"

City of Knowledge, a Miracle Pictures release of a drama by Trax, opens next Friday.

No Title Art Again. That's Right. I'm Not a Machine, You Know.

After just over 2 years in operation, Lake Hope Features head Quantum has put 450 million dollars down to move up from an arthouse studio to a full one.

"I felt that it was the right time to make the move" Q explained. "Lake Hope Features is currently in production on a number of non action/drama/comedy films and it feels like the right time. I was also getting frustrated by the limitations that an arthouse studio faces."

This will be the third time in HTG history that an arthouse upgrade has been done. The first time was when Ship of Fooles bought out Courscant Pictures and the second time when Bulletproof Pictures merged with Avatar Pictures.

"It's a very exciting time to be in the movie business" stated an HTG film industry insider. "LHF has released a large number of movies in a short period and has benefited from the work. This move up will definitely cause a change in their box office profile."

Happening wishes Quantum and Lake Hope Features the best of luck in their upcoming endeavors. Their latest release, Assassin: A College Tale just completed its first week in theatres.

On Set Injury Means No Pastry for Hungry Actress

Production has been halted on the romantic comedy Love is in the Air because of health problems of one of the film's stars. According to a crew member, veteran actor Abe Vigoda fell and suffered a broken femur during a particulary difficult scene.

"Abe was supposed to pick up Gabby (co-star Gabourey Sidibe) and carry her to the bedroom. But I guess she was just too heavy. Abe collapsed, screaming. It was awful. They told Gabby to lay off the cake. But, no, she ate cake non-stop. Now I'm out of a job. Thanks, Gabby."

According to representatives of the Scream Bloody Murder actress, she is upset as well.

"Abe and Gabby were getting along great. She enjoyed his free pass to Flip Brothers Pizzeria. He enjoyed the warmth on cool winter nights. It was an odd match, but one that worked. We wish Mr. Vigoda to have a speedy recovery."

Word from the actor's camp, however, is less than positive.

"He's hurting in a bad way. And you know that his leg will never fully heal at his age. Miss Sidibe was using Abe, plain and simple. Well, there's no more free pizza for her. She's going to have to get her slices somewhere else now."

Word on the further life of Love is in the Air has not been made as of this writing.

Yup, That's Talent

According to a reliable source, HTG Hollywood's Mayor Megan Fox is the most talent actress on the planet.

“People say bad stuff about her and how she can’t act, but they only say that because she’s beautiful,” the actor recently stated. “She’s the most talented actress I’ve worked with. When she cries in a scene, I get emotional.”

And that source? None other than actor Mickey Rourke himself.

"If Mickey Rourke said it, it must be true" an unnamed city employee exclaimed when he heard the news. "Sure, we all know she's drop dead sexy. But you can't deny her mad skills if ol' Mickey said so. He was in Angel Heart, you know. You ever see that? It's badass."

Comment from the mayor's office has not been made as of this writing.

Thelucianconspiracy Continues

The Committee for Fairness in Film Advertising (CFFA) announced on Thursday night that it had finished the testing concerning the frequent posting of Ship of Fooles' Stream of Consciousness in the Now in Theaters spot on the HTG entry. According to an anonymous citizen who contacted the CFFA, the movie poster appeared in the "random" slot more often than it should. A call of conspiracy was made.

"We refreshed the entry page 1000 times" a spokesman for the CFFA explained. "Of those 1000 times, Stream of Consciousness appeared 382 times. With 20 films in the theatre, the average time that one poster should appear is 1/20th of that time, or 50 times. Stream of Consciousness appeared more than 7 times that. Obviously, there's something wrong with that percentage."

Have any allegations of improper behavior been made?

"We found no evidence of tampering" the spokesman continued. "At this time, we just have to strike it up to one of those odd things that happens. For fans of Lucian and his smiling face, this should be a happy coincidence. For those who did not enjoy the film and are 'freaked out' over the grinning mug of Lucian, we understand that it could be unnerving. But, until the movie exits the theatre, there's really nothing that can be done about it."

When approached for a comment, Canadian native Lucian made a remark about hockey and maple syrup which was not captured properly to give the full quote.

A conspiracy? Or a coincidence? Readers are invited to perform their own tests to see what they discover for themselves.

Hey, It's Not an Editorial. It's an Honest Story. With an Opinion at the End. Really.

Movie afficianados across HTG Hollywood are perplexed at the winning selection of the most recent Franchise Game, Killer Condom. The German film, based on a comic, features... the above... as it chews its way through the genitalia of its victims. Included is a detective who has conflicted feelings about a gigolo he encounters during the investigation. The winner of the property, Pedro, has been anxious to do the adaptation for some time. But how do the residents of the city feel?

"Killer Condom? Really?" pondered one film fan.

"Can Pedro make this without stepping into an X rating?" asked another.

"I think it's bold. Daring. I can hardly wait." stated an oddly smiling man.

The staff at Happening look forward to the advertisements for Killer Condom when the film is done. Let's hope that some fashion of taste is maintained.

Fan Composes Sequel to HTG Film, Gets Grounded For His Effort

According to HTG critics, it's not the best movie ever (though some promise is given if more work was put into it). However, to one fan, MacGuffin is apparently the best movie ever. A young fan of the film started a blog in January, expressing his interest in the Raptor Inc. production. The eager fan even went so far as to write an unauthorized MacGuffin 2 when his emails to Quantum and Checkmate Studios went unanswered.

"We get a lot of communications" a studio spokesperson stated. "I'm not exactly sure if we got this person's email, but I'm sure the persons involved in the making of MacGuffin are pleased that he enjoyed the movie. Film fans help to make this business a fun one."

Unfortunately for the fan, the blog will be closed while he is offline due to restrictions placed on him by his mother.

"I hope to be back soon" commented the fan in his latest post.

Word has not be received from Raptor Inc. or Checkmate Studio by this reporter as of this writing to comment on the MacGuffin 2 script.

The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Lapdancing Little People

Horror movie buffs are cheering because of a recent announcement made by Raptor Inc. chief Quantum. Q has announced that he and Checkmate Pictures are teaming up again to bring an installment of the Fear Itself series to the big screen.

A call for producers to share in the experience has been made on the message board. Marlowe of Miracle Pictures has stated that he would like to join in, giving Gabe "Mr. Kotter" Kaplan's fear of lapdancing midgets as an idea for his contribution.

"I'm sure he was just joking, as he does" stated a representative from Marlowe's production office. "Marlowe has contributed to other horror collaberations. His own anthology, Tales of Terror and Suspense, is currently the fourth highest grossing horror film in HTG, one step above the original Fear Itself. I know that he'd love to get involved in a group effort for Fear Itself 3."

Who will be a part of the new movie? And who will helm the new project? Horror fans anxiously await the announcement.

New Poster Located, Promises Heavy Duty Moustache Action

As mentioned on The Times recently (see link in upper left column), teaser posters for Fortune City have been popping up across the city. But, in true teaser fashion, nothing is being said about the content of the film. Obviously, it's a western. But what kind of western? Our in-house analysts have this to say:

1) Josh Brolin plays some kind of lawman and his grandpa is around for comic relief. Kinda like Neville Brand in Laredo.

2) Women are apparently in a posse that is a part of the story. But they're forced to ride to the back, paces away from the men in the group.

3) Producer Trax has movies coming out on three consecutive weekends. History shows that whatever is released first will perform better when this happens. It's the truth; look it up.

4) It's probably a short film. Most recent releases are, sad to say.

Happening wishes Trax the best of luck with his new western and hopes to hear more about the film soon.

Overheard in HTG Chat. Come On In Sometime. Werd.

"When you give an empty Christmas present, nobody remembers how nicely wrapped it was."

Hey, Grandma, Put Some Clothes On. Maybe Get a Job with Baseball Mogul. Eek.

With the announcement of Rogue Net's upfronts for the new HTG TV session, the ire of one "actress" came to a boil when it was confirmed that she is no longer employed. Pamela Anderson, who appeared in various showings of the TCW series and on its pay-per-views, was not mentioned as a part of the new wrestling series' season.

"You know who they got?" exclaimed an excited Anderson. "Britney. Britney flippin' Spears. Come on! That girl would sell her children for a Happy Meal from Micky D's. I'm still in my prime. I could handle the job and get viewers to watch the show. Oh, Lucian, you made a mistake. A big mistake."

An inside source at the network, though, disagreed.

"Miss Anderson is past her prime, not in it. We decided to go with Miss Spears because she's still got a year or two left in her. She's more current, less say, and thus more likely to attract viewers. Thanks to Miss Anderson for her past work, but it's time to move on."

The new season of Rogue Net's TCW begins this March.

More Non-It's Always Me or Hot Chick News

With the financial success of A Short Protest, executives at Miracle Pictures decided to spend some of their new gains on Tuesday by purchasing the Ocean's 11 franchise. Originally a film featuring Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack, the franchise was remade with George Clooney, Brad Pitt and other modern talents. A pair of sequels quickly followed, providing light-hearted entertainment that met with thumbs up by many.

Will Marlowe continue with the modern retelling? Or does he have other ideas?

Clooney, Pitt, Damon, Gould and Cheadle of the Ocean's 11 series of films

"To be honest," Marlowe stated, "I'm not fully sure what we're going to do with Ocean's 11. I enjoy the films very much. Perhaps an extension of them. Or, who knows. Maybe it'll be placed on the stack of other properties that aren't being used. But, when needed, we can always get going on it. We'll see."

Miracle Picture's next release, Trax's City of Knowledge, opens in March.

Hey, It's the Mayor!

With 1 1/2 months of 2010 passed by, how much longer will the 1-year term of Mayor Megan Fox last?

"It's important that Miss Fox remains as the city leader during this period of activity" commented a city spokesperson. "There's still much to do, much that has been initiated. If we pull out now, much will be lost, to the harm of HTG Hollywood and its citizens. Besides, there's still some things that need to be done in order to hold another election. It's our desire to speed things along, but not at a pace that would not be a benefit to the process."

The city rep did not mention any details on what is being done and what needs to be done in order for the next election to take place.

"We'll let the public know when the election draws near" the spokesperson wrapped up. "We're sorry for any inconvenience that this process is causing."

Gal Who Was In That Movie Does Pictorial. Drunken Bishop Pleased, Stubs Toe on Jim Beam Empties.

Poster for New Trax Drama Revealed

What? No Title Art? Live With It!

Hall... of Justice
Submitted by Mr. Ritchie Steven, Esq.
"Because spammers broke the Times"

We got exclusive news that the HTG Award and Sully Award nominated actor Michael C. Hall will be joining the cast of the (recently) revived Badge of Justice. The series, which looked like it was ending after it's 5th season and has been rumored to be coming back since mid-session 7, is officially back on the schedule of FBTV.

Michael Biehn is confirmed to be returning as Detective Jack Carter, with Mark Wahlberg returning as Detective Brian Flaherty. Both Gina Gershon and Dean Cain's statuses with the series are unknown. Gershon is in ongoing negotiations, but it doesn't look like Cain will be
returning for story reasons. It is unknown how Hall will be introduced and if his character will be good or bad. The network is keeping tight lipped on the casting and is pleased to be working with the actor again after the short lived Bail and the misfire that was Testament.

"We feel that Michael C. Hall is a perfect fit for the original Badge of Justice," a network representative spoke to the press directly, "He brings an intensity with him that not many have. He will be vital in what is shaping up as the final season of the long running cop drama."

The network also provided us with this poster for the new season:

The new session of HTG:TV begins in early March.

Maybe He Wants to Make a Bunch of Jelly and Spread It All Over ScarJo. I Know I Would If It Wasn't For That Pesky Marriage of Hers. Dratz.

Voting for The Remake Game 4 came to a halt late on the 11th, with the clear winner being RandomFX. The artist, who puts out conistently fine work, seemed excited early on Saturday for the official announcement to be made.

"I hear he wants to be paid in nothing but grapes" a local art lover commented. "Red seedless grapes, too. Maybe he'll get a voucher for some pizza or something. Who knows. But just grapes? I guess Random really likes grapes."

Congratulations to Random for his successful entry. All HTG citizens should look for another contest soon.

Deal Struck for New HTG Film

During a late night negotiation on Wednesday, executives from Wonder Inc. and new HTG Hollywood arrival The Chad ironed out an agreement to see that Reality Struck would see the big screen soon. (See an earlier story for pitch of film.)

According to a rep from WI, The Chad's reward for his effort will be based partly on the critical success of the movie and it receiving Golden Yodas. A date for the release of the film has not been determined.

"We're still early in the production stage" stated the representative. "But we're really looking forward to seeing The Chad's work."

Congratulations to The Chad on his first break into HTG.

Thank Goodness The Thieves Didn't Steal Those Really Big Italian Olives. I Love Those Things.

Management of HTG Hollywood's number one Italian eatery, Flip Brothers Pizzeria, were shocked when they arrived at the restaurant on Friday morning to discover that one of their delivery vehicles was missing. But as soon as a call to the police was about to be made, Chief Carl O. Winslow phoned first... The car had been found crashed at a residential area in the Valley.

According to the police, there is no evidence of who stole the delivery vehicle. The area was searched and security cameras at nearby locations checked, but no clue has risen about the identity of the culprit(s).

"It'sa particularly frustrata-ing, it is" remarked a spokesperson from the pizzeria. "It'sa lika these bad people, theya don't want the city to hava the best pizza they can get. Iya hear about thisa flipsabrothersconspiracia and always Iya laugh. But now, Iya think there mighta be something to it."

"Don't worry" explained another representative from the eatery. "We have enough vehicles and drivers to get you your pizza fix. Give us a call and we'll get you a pie lickity split."

I Bet He Really Shaves, But He Uses That Sonny Crockett Look to Get the Chicks. You Know What I'm Saying, Right?

Bigwigs of all sorts in the city, movers and shakers from all branches of HTG Hollywood life, have been agog with the latest rumors that Flip Brothers hotshot Ritchie Steven has finally... gone crazy.

"He's been buying the oddest of things, storing them in whatever nook he can get his hands on" a local movie insider commented Wednesday evening at a dinner to support the Hollywood Film Fund. "You know how most people try to get rid of their little blue Hondas? I hear that RS has put in an order for 20 of them, each with a Napoleon Dynamite bobblehead. If that's not crazy, what is?"

"It must be all the money that the Flips are making from Batman: Season of the Witch" theorized another visitor to the dinner, hosted by Mayor Megan Fox. "It might not only be the first 2 billion dollar movie, but it could very well reach 3 billion. The stars really aligned for that one."

Of new concern is Ritchie's new claim on the message board. When guessed that the creative artist had something to do with the new artwork for producer Safron's movie Prank, RS chimed in with "While I do try to take credit for a lot of awesomeness, I can't take credit for this awesomeness :D"

"Yeah, this Batman thing is getting out of hand" stated a worried ally of the Flips. "If Ritchie continues on in this manner, you never know what will happen. Heck, he might even do more episodes of the hit television series Downtown. Now that's what I call insane!"

Zombie Cops Back For More?

Fans of the Channel One/Miracle Pictures HTG TV series Dead Heat were thrilled today when a representative from Miracle Pictures announced that they were preparing a new film with DH stars Ron Livingston and Steve Zahn. A classic from Sessions 1 and 2, the series involved two police detectives investigating the murders of two unlikely victims... themselves.

Is the new movie project a Dead Heat movie?

"We can't say one way or another" explained a spokesman from MP. "The two actors will be the leads, so you never know."

And what about the other "works in progress" that the studio has under its wing?

"The technical glitch that we experienced last year put some of our ongoing works in hiatus, unfortunately" the rep continued. "However, we're always developing something, be it from producer Marlowe or from another writer. Expect more great Miracle Pictures films in the near future and throughout 2010."

And They Say They Ain't In It For the Bread. POW!

Or, at least a proposal has been made. A fresh citizen to HTG Hollywood, The Chad (not to be confused with the smirky phone plan salesman) has been approached by a studio for his new film, titled Reality Struck. The pitch in full:

Title: Reality Struck

Genre: Action/Thriller

Plot: A young man's case of serious narcolepsy has caused him to question wether he is awake or asleep. He can no longer determine what really happened or what was just a vivid dream. Thus, the past and present become intertwined.

Don't want to give too much more away than that. Anyone interested?

When no one immediately bit at the pitch, HTG veteran RandomFX suggested that it would be a good idea to support the newcomer. It was even suggested that the Hollywood Film Fund for New Producers would be ideal for the movie.

But, according to sources in HTG Chat, Wonder Inc. has offered to release the movie.

"It shows how quickly things can happen in chat, once things get rollin'" commented an eavesdropper. "If you need help with something or just want to hang out, HTG Chat is the place to be."

Wonder Inc. has announced that The Chad has not returned a message concerning the film's release as of this writing. It is expected that the studio will announce the new producer's decision once it has been made.

That Guy Looks Like He Ate Two Week-Old Meatloaf and a Bottle of Fresca That's Been Open for Five Days. Not the Best Lunch, You Know.

With few movies being released during the slow winter months of January and Feburary, it came as a large disappointment this week to HTG film fans when the sole release, Boytoy Beta, was not available for viewing.

"There's just the pdf file," moaned a local movie watcher unable to view the film. "And it's damaged. You'd figure the studio of producer or the website creator would check on this. But, here it is Wednesday, and still no film. That's a vote of 1 from me. Even then, that's 1 more than it deserves. It isn't showing!"

Also of disappointment this week is the only film in buzz, A Story About Life.

Another saddened movie fan chimed in. "Remember when films would advertise? I couldn't tell you thing one about this new flick. Oh well. Maybe they don't want people to go see it. That's not how I would release a movie, but I don't run a studio. I guess they have a plan. They must, right?"

Will the following week's new movie, MacGuffin, be promoted in anticipation of release?

"Who knows. Really, who knows. Some people might even buzz these poorly advertised films high. Why? Again, who knows."