I'm Not Going to Say That 2009 Sucked, But I Think Dyson is Putting a Ball on It and Selling It On Television. True Dat

So He Says 'About' Oddly. Big Deal. He's Canadian, Give Him a Break, Dawg.

Perhaps aggravated by the delay of the HTG Hollywood mayor election, former city leader/actor/producer Chris Harmer allegedly assaulted current leader Megan Fox on Sunday with six feet of 1 1/2" garden hose. Details on the possible crime are still hazy, but the possible assault is only the most recent in a line of other incidents.

In March Mr. Harmer allegedly shot Miss Fox in the foot with a spear gun while snorkeling off the coast of our city -- though it was claimed to have been an accident. In July there was an alleged attack with a cream pie at one of the city's local restaurants. Although Harmer was initially charged with battery using foodstuff, Mayor Fox did not press the charges further and Harmer was released from jail.

In September, Harmer was seen filling the mayor's limo with green and blue jelly beans. Assistant Mayor R. Wilson stated that the incident was a publicity stunt "gone ridiculously wrong" and that no charges would be filed.

Telephone calls to Heavy Metal Productions today were not answered. But, according to an insider at Miracle Pictures:

"Chris is terribly frustrated that the mayor election has been postponed. He's bound to be a front runner, you know, against the incumbent Miss Fox. We're sure that any alleged 'assault' is far from that. We at Miracle Pictures hope that this does not keep people from watching A Short Protest, now in theatres and starring Mr. Harmer."

Further details on Sunday's possible incident will be reported once they are known.

Was Santa Good to Everyone? Ho Ho Ho!

Word has come down from Floor 36 of Briel Tower, location of the offices of HTG Mayor Megan Fox, that elections for the city leader for the year 2010 are on hold until further notice.

"There's just too much going on to delay their completion" explained Assistant Mayor R. Wilson at a post-Christmas press conference in downtown HTG Hollywood. "We have real estate popping up all over. Businesses are developing across the city map. And, in these unfortunate times, we're increasing strength at the HTG Police Department, HTG Armory and seaside defense towers. Plus there's Mayor Fox's citywide yoga initiative. If we were finished with all of these developments, sure, we'd have time to get into another election. But, as it stands now, it will be sometime during the new year before we're able to get them going."

Although protests have not taken place yet downtown, rumors are spreading that marches will be taking place once proper permits are obtained.

"It's funny," stated a disagreer with the held election who wished to remain anonymous, "that in order to legally have a protest march in HTG Hollywood, you need a permit. The permit is provided, with a small fee, by the mayor's office. And, in this case, it's this new action by the mayor's office that we want to march against. How odd is that?"

Assistant Mayor R. Wilson promises to announce further developments concerning an election for a new city leader when they occur.

Ha! No Mention of A Short Protest, Opening This Weekend! Woo Hoo!

Something's FISHy About Those Pictures! Get It? Fishy? Ha! You Know, Cuz That Was His Name on Barney Miller and the Spin-Off. Phil Fish. Ha.

As soon as the first advertisement for the upcoming A Short Protest was posted, movie watchers across the city were asking questions.

"Chris Harmer's in another film?"

"Clooney's in something?"

"Wasn't he in a couple other things with Vin Diesel from this producer?"

And, the most common query raised by the HTG citizens...

"Abe Vigoda? Isn't he dead?"

A common misconception among movie goers, it's often a surprise that the veteran actor has not passed away. But, rest assured, the 88-year-old is still kickin'. From his portrayal as the deceptive Sal Tessio in The Godfather to his role in HTG's The Mysterious Axeman's Jazz, Vigoda is still producing solid work. And as a top-four star in Miracle Picture's A Short Protest, Vigoda is expected to turn in another great performance.

"He's a bad guy in this one" explained MP frontman Marlowe. "He's in just one of the short films, but it's a pivitol role. We were thrilled to have him."

Of greater shock to HTG Hollywood is that pictures of the elderly star have surfaced across the Internet... nude pictures.

"They're obviously fakes" Marlowe snorted when the topic was brought up. "Mr. Vigoda's far above any such thing. It's apparently the work of a studio behind another Christmas Day release trying to discredit the stars of our film. It's shameful. I'm sure that any fairly intelligent movie viewer would realize that."

A Short Protest, featuring Abe Vigoda, opens on Christmas Day.

(Although the news story was not mandated, Marlowe is using an award concerning a possible nude Abe Vigoda to increase his TS for the film.)

I Knew He'd Get Hired Eventually. Good For You, Stamos. Good For You. Now Park My Car So I Can Go Eat. And No Tip If You Change the Radio Station!

In what was pronounced as "the umpteenth Short Protest story in a row" by the Happening Editor in Chief, it was announced today that struggling actor John Stamos has finally found a paying role in HTG Hollywood after many months of unemployment.

"It's turning out to be a good holiday season" declared the actor who became famous as Full House's Uncle Jessie. "I've been approached about being in TV shows and movies. This gig for Miracle Pictures, A Short Protest, seems particularly intersting. It's a collection of movie shorts, you know. I'm in just one of them. But it pays. Thank God, it pays. I'll be able to get some bills paid now. Perhaps get some gifts for friends. If 2010 continues like this, I'll be a happy camper."

Stamos has been hired in a supporting capacity as Blue Lou Angelo in a film noir short for the movie. Stamos or producer Marlowe have not revealed any details concerning the part.

"I'm glad that I could give John the role" Miracle Pictures head Marlowe stated. "He was great in the part. I hope that I can use him in the future."

A Short Protest, a Cameron Crowe picture, releases on Christmas Day.

Poster Reveals Actor's Name, EIC Gets Free Bowl of Soup When First Bowl Has No Chicken In It

At a press conference held Sunday afternoon at the Miracle Pictures studio lot, producer Marlowe revealed the poster for his upcoming Christmas film, A Short Protest. On the poster, the name of the "talent-to-be-announced" is shown.

"To some folks it was obvious, I guess" the studio chief proclaimed. "Like that Ritichie Steven guy. Instead of allowing us to build anticipation, he blurted out Chris' name. To pay him back, I'm going to let everybody in on the ending of a movie coming in 2010 from the Flips. Are you ready? Superman wins. There. I hope RS realizes that spoiling can go both ways now!"

Former HTG city leader Chris Harmer was the first choice to lead A Short Protest, according to Marlowe.

"He's an everyman. He's featured in each of the shorts, which ranges from action to science fiction to drama to offbeat comedy. If anyone call pull off a variety of roles, it's Chris Harmer. He wasn't cheap, I can tell you. But I think that he's worth every nickel.

"In fact," continued Marlowe, "we're having difficulty coming up with a final genre for the movie's cost. We'll probably settle on action, only because it's a higher cost production value. Making it one of the cheaper ones doesn't seem right."

Mr. Harmer was not reachable at press time to express thoughts on this new venture. One of HTG Hollywood's most prolific talents, he has worked with Marlowe before in Tales of Terror and Suspense and HTG TV's Adventures of Robin Hood.

"It's our holiday blockbuster" Marlowe concluded. "We hope everyone gets into it as much as we did making it."

Shatastic Casting News or More Tomfoolery?

Time is drawing near for Miracle Pictures to announce the lead talent in their Christmas Day movie. Rumors have been running that the actor will be William Shatner, friendly with MP chief and producer Marlowe. The Magi actor was spotted dining with Marlowe last night. But Marlowe is remaining mum on the hiring.

"I dine with Bill quite a lot" the studio chief stated when asked this morning. "He talks about his horses. I talk about the waitress' figures. You know, the same ol' thing."

So when will Marlowe make the announcement?

"Soon, I promise. Right now we're concentrating on the movie itself, tentatively titled A Short Protest. It's a collection of several shorts so far, around 60 pages. We'll know before long just how large this will be."

The film, maybe or maybe not featuring William Shatner, opens Christmas Day.

Actor Not Named Yet, Marlowe Gets Free Lunch Because of Burger King Error

Days have passed since Miracle Pictures leader Marlowe promised to announce the star of his as-of-yet untitled Christmas Day movie. But, despite working vigorously on the film, a gathering of shorts, the talent's name has not been released.

"Negotiations are tougher than I thought they'd be" the studio chief explained. "Everything should be cleared up soon, though. Expect that announcement soon."

What Marlowe has given, however, is some names in supporting roles. Included in the cast are Ryan Reynolds, Masi Oka, Michael Cera, Ralphie May, Steve Carrell, Leslie Mann and Jonah Hill. What is special about the film is that the unnamed talent will have a part in each of the shorts.

"There will be a half dozen or so," Marlowe stated. "Different genres, different styles. I hope it will please some folks."

Actor Worried About Lack of Roles

With thousands of talents available to movie and television producers, it's no secret that most actors don't get enough jobs to pay the bills, if any at all. So what's an actor to do if he's fairly well known, but still can't get that break in HTG Hollywood?

"I don't see why I don't get any offers" Full House's Uncle Jessie complained to this reporter during a recent lunch (picked up by Happ's petty cash fund). "It's been years since anything has come along. Heck, I'm cheap. And I think that I can bring a lot to the set. C'mon, guys, how 'bout giving me a bit in something?"

To make matters worse, Stamos was recently the victim of an attempted blackmail scheme.

"Yeah, a couple idiots tried to get some cash from me for a pic taken with some fans down in Florida. There wasn't anything going on. Thankfully, the FBI moved in and nabbed to morons."

Upon hearing that news, Miracle Pictures chief Marlowe had an idea.

"That sounds like the perfect HTG film idea" the long-time HTG citizen stated. "I'd release that sucker for sure. And I'm pretty sure there's a John Stamos award or two out there. I think it would do great."

"I think," guessed a local movie fan, "that if you called that movie You Got It, Dude, it would work. Why not?"

Happ EIC Issues Correction

In a quick followup of the previous news story, it has been discovered that it was not Wonder Inc. co-head CzarTim appearing in the alleged new studio uniform, but merely a hired mascot to promote the studio's opening.

"We hired this kid to run around in the goofy outfit" a Wonder insider explained. "It was a fun attention getter. The report that it was one of our bosses in an official uniform is, to say the least, ridiculous."

More information has surfaced concerning the studio's first project. Titled "Destination Zero", the Nick Cassavetes science fiction film will star Eric Bana.

"They're coming out of the chute with a big one" commented a movie analyst this evening. "I hope that they're getting a break on the cost of producing such an expensive project. I'd hate to see them go into the red right off the bat."

Also featuring Jude Law and Kristen Bell, Destination Zero is slated for Christmas Day.

New Studio, New Uniform, New Specials at the Sizzler Excite Eager Movie Goers

The creation of a new full HTG studio was recently announced, sending residents of our city into great speculation. What kind of films will heads CzarTim and Phaethon0017 focus on? What will the first of these films be? Will they be able to get it released in time for a Christmas Day celebration?

While these questions and more are yet to be answered, there is one matter concerning the new Wonder Inc. that has been verified by us here at Happening. A source inside the studio has claimed that staff members will be required to wear the standard Wonder Inc. uniform, available only at Wonder Inc.

New Wonder Inc. uniform

Co-chief CzarTim recently showed the new Wonder threads to employees at a staff orientation. The reactions were mixed.

"I think it's a sign of unity, of dedication to a common cause of good films" stated one staffer.

"I think it's good if you want to sell sandwiches" commented another. "But to wear these while working on the lot? I don't know. I guess the bosses know what they're doing."

What's Happening wishes Wonder Inc. good luck and good fortune in their new endeavor. They are invited to present whatever information is necessary to this HTG news source to aid their enterprise.

How's That For Vauge? Cha!