New Mayor Announced, Fireworks Display Replaces Lap Dancing for Evening

As was announced earlier this weekend, Mayor Megan Fox has stepped down from her post in order to focus on her pregnancy. A new city leader would begin work on Monday. Who is that new leader?

“After much deliberation with my staff,” Miss Fox explained at a news conference Sunday evening, “we have decided that Robert Blutarsky, formerly of New Jersey, shall be the temporary mayor of HTG Hollywood. The length of his term will be determined by his administration.

“Mayor Robert Blutarsky, aka Silent Bob, was chosen in part because of the respect that he has obtained from the city’s residents. During a recent Franchise War, Bob was voted the ‘coolest’ person. We hope that this respect is maintained as he begins his work on Monday.”

On hand for the announcement was the new mayor himself. Through his spokesman, called only “Jay” at the assembly, the city leader made some initial declarations.

“Hello, b*tches” the toque wearing Jay firmly declared. “As the official speaker for my best friend Silent Bob here…”

(The mayor did shake his head at that point.)

“…I would like to say that Jay, that is me, will be the new assistant mayor of this place. If you have any complaints, tough.

“Anyway, we’ve had very little time to prepare. So don’t expect any big miracles right off the bat. Those will come later. For now, just know that we’re taking care of f***ing business.

“No, there isn’t any bonus for using us in a film right now. Sure, hire us if you want (as Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes). But this plus two, plus four stuff? Forget about it.

“And speaking of forget about it, there is one thing that we’re going to make sure happens right away. Bada Bing needs to get opened. How long can those jamocha f***ing dinglebreaths stall on us? Open the club already!

“I guess that’s it for now. We’ll let you all know when some changes are made. Until then, peace out and go watch some Sixteen Candles, b*tches.”

Citizens are advised to keep a watch on the news for further developments. Good luck to Jay and Silent Bob with their new posts and thank you to Miss Fox for all of her hard work for the last year and a half.