Meat the Day!

Business at HTG eateries have increased over the last weeks, according to a report provided by the mayor's office. Wishing to return to the restaurant business, long-time resident Marlowe has opened Carne Diem, a meat-themed dining experience.

"We serve meat and that's it!" is the slogan of Carne Diem. No veggies or fruit dishes are available, according to the restaurant's opening display.

"We've got pizza. We've got bread. I wanted something different," explained managing owner Marlowe. "I'm a big fan of steaks, ribs, roasted chicken and other cooked meats. I wanted to give fellow citizens of HTG Hollywood a place to go to enjoy what I enjoy."

Apparently celebrities enjoy Carne Diem as well. Some enjoy the restaurant so much that they eat themselves to a stupor. Rumor has it that these celebrities may be taken home and used in movies or television shows.

"I can't confirm or deny that" Marlowe commented with a sly grin. "That's kidnapping, right? I wouldn't want to advocate that."

SaturnValley, the Most Awarded Producer You Don't Know (By Guest Contributor ThePit)

You might not recognize the name SaturnValley, but on top of signing his first film pitch with a studio, he already has quite a few achievements in HTG Hollywood.

First we’ll start with his new film, the experimental arthouse flick “Level 7”. The short film is said to have some sci-fi elements but is one of the types of films that can’t be describe, but rather must be experienced. Its setting is nonspecific, but you as a viewer are brought into the world as a character. You are thrust into the story in a first person perspective. The film promises to make you feel like you are a part of the film like no other. I’m not exactly sure how that will work, but I’m interested to see it play out. Mac Studios will be distributing the film in limited release.

SaturnValley has actually been around the community since mid-2008, where he has mostly hung around Sharky’s Arcade and holds the 1st place title in 9 different games! They include: Batmans Gotham Dark Night, Castle Defender, Celebrity Fight Club, Flick Football, Jedi Trainer, Peanut, Rocky - Legends, Super Mario, and Zelda. That is an impressive feat. He easily has the most titles in the arcade, followed by SuicideJocky who has 7 honors, then Aaron Rowland who has 5 honors. You can check out Sharky’s Arcade, sign up to play, and try to defeat SaturnValley by heading here.

“Level 7” will be hitting theaters on September 17th, you can check out its first ad here.

[EIC note: To access the arcade games listed above, you must register. It's a simple process to begin a ton o' fun.]

Cat Returns With Big Feature, Co-Chief Makes Questionable Statement

Producer. Studio chief. Critic. Probably a couple other things, but it's late and I can't think of 'em. Teufel. A longtime resident of our city, his appearances in HTG Hollywood haven't been steady, but he has always at least lurked in the background.

And now, thanks to a surprised fellow citizen, Teufel has been outted as a hater of the poor.

"We should bulldoze the slums to make a Malibu parking lot."

Why would Teufel make such a statement? As was pointed out to him, the slums are not close to Malibu. And they provide a place for immigrants to the city to stay before they can get on their feet. After all, half a million dollars isn't a lot to get by with.

With Treasure State, Mark "mc48" Chua's triumphant return to HTG, in buzz now for 21st Century Cat, can Teufel afford to alienate the poor?

"His statement was taken completely out of context" explained a spokesperson from the studio. "Teufel's an advocate for those less blessed than himself and would never think about putting all of those people in the slums out on the street."

Although the 21cc speaker did not explain what Teufel's remark did mean, the future of the studio was commented on.

"Treasure State is just the first of a series of high quality films coming to HTG theatres. Let's not lose focus on what will most certainly be weeks of enjoyable cinema."

Treasure State, directed by Brad Bird and starring Jeffrey Dean Morgan, opens next Friday.

*Picture is a paid model, not the subject of news piece

Klein, Baldwin, Vigoda To Give "Thanks" (By Mac)

While not as exciting as an episode of Jack Benny, CzarTim has put together a new film "Thank You For Protesting", and has slated it for release on July 16th with Mac Studios, a week after another thankful film, "Thank You" opens. Why so much thanks being given in such a short period of time? Well, because Thank You For Protesting is a spoof film of Thank You and the Protest films of late, A Protest Protest if you will. Producer CzarTim will find himself on the screen for this one, along with Chris Klein, Stephen Baldwin, and Abe Vigoda. The trio definitely is the oddest trio to star in a film in recent memory. Klein, fresh off a DUI arrest, needs the cash for his legal defense. Baldwin, for anyone who has visited www.restorestephenbaldwin.com knows, is strapped for cash as well. And Vigoda? Well, he was found wandering around in Godfather park, so we figured we'd get him in on the action. So on July 16th, give thanks. You're welcome.

New Mayor Announced, Fireworks Display Replaces Lap Dancing for Evening

As was announced earlier this weekend, Mayor Megan Fox has stepped down from her post in order to focus on her pregnancy. A new city leader would begin work on Monday. Who is that new leader?

“After much deliberation with my staff,” Miss Fox explained at a news conference Sunday evening, “we have decided that Robert Blutarsky, formerly of New Jersey, shall be the temporary mayor of HTG Hollywood. The length of his term will be determined by his administration.

“Mayor Robert Blutarsky, aka Silent Bob, was chosen in part because of the respect that he has obtained from the city’s residents. During a recent Franchise War, Bob was voted the ‘coolest’ person. We hope that this respect is maintained as he begins his work on Monday.”

On hand for the announcement was the new mayor himself. Through his spokesman, called only “Jay” at the assembly, the city leader made some initial declarations.

“Hello, b*tches” the toque wearing Jay firmly declared. “As the official speaker for my best friend Silent Bob here…”

(The mayor did shake his head at that point.)

“…I would like to say that Jay, that is me, will be the new assistant mayor of this place. If you have any complaints, tough.

“Anyway, we’ve had very little time to prepare. So don’t expect any big miracles right off the bat. Those will come later. For now, just know that we’re taking care of f***ing business.

“No, there isn’t any bonus for using us in a film right now. Sure, hire us if you want (as Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes). But this plus two, plus four stuff? Forget about it.

“And speaking of forget about it, there is one thing that we’re going to make sure happens right away. Bada Bing needs to get opened. How long can those jamocha f***ing dinglebreaths stall on us? Open the club already!

“I guess that’s it for now. We’ll let you all know when some changes are made. Until then, peace out and go watch some Sixteen Candles, b*tches.”

Citizens are advised to keep a watch on the news for further developments. Good luck to Jay and Silent Bob with their new posts and thank you to Miss Fox for all of her hard work for the last year and a half.

She Is? Duh.

For weeks the citizens of HTG Hollywood wondered where the leader of the city, Megan Fox, had gone to. What was the purpose of her absence? When would she return? When would she explain the situation?

When Mayor Fox returned just under two weeks ago, she promised (through spokesman Assistant Mayor R. Wilson) that all questions would be answered soon. And, during the last week, Wilson stated that this weekend those answers would be coming.

Saturday was the day. On the steps of the city building downtown just after noon, a gathering of HTG luminaries waited for the arrival of the mayor. Once the crowd was quieted, Mayor Fox exited Briel Tower. The whispers among those present represented the obvious.

Megan Fox is most definitely pregnant.

Following is a summary of the mayor's announcement.

Mayor Fox discovered that she was with child just after the year began. She knew that the programs that her administration had started would not see completion if she immediately resigned. Through her programs, the mayor felt, the city would greatly benefit.

The mayor left the public eye of the city while not only her programs grew, but so did her unborn child. Now that much of what was begun has come to be, Mayor Fox felt that it was time to move on.

And so, the leader announced, she would be stepping down as mayor as of the end of the weekend. During that time, any casting of Mayor Fox that allows a bonus to her would be allowed. Once Monday begins, all announcements concerning her casting must be made. (Although visitors may not see the change immediately at Briel Tower.)

Effective Monday, a temporary mayor will take office. The name of this person was not given.

"Big things are coming, I can tell" commented a politico present at the announcement.

Residents of HTG Hollywood should stay tuned for further information concerning Megan Fox's exit as mayor and the new city administration.

"Bond. James Bond." (Thanks to 21CC)

Pretty much everyone has recited that line at least once in their life, what has become the signature quote of Ian Fleming's iconic British spy James Bond. Later this year 21st Century Cat Pictures will give moviegoers another reason to say it. 21CC head honcho Teufel made an announcement about the crown jewel of the studio's franchises earlier today.

"I'm very excited to say that work is under way to bring about a James Bond film in time for the holidays," Teufel began to explain from his 21CC office. "We've signed a deal with MossyFilm Pictures and Mossy is already working on a feature length script." A relative newcomer to HTG, Mossy's "Poison" is tearing up the box office with over $200,000,000 and his show "Recompenses" is making the move from cable to network TV next session.

The studio had been planning to show off its available franchises to attract interested producers, but Mossy beat them to the punch. "He introduced himself and brought along a pitch I loved," recounted the studio head. However, for a franchise that's spanned decades and is of Bond's caliber, a great pitch wasn't enough. "I looked into his works and was delighted to find a talented writer. With his combination of talent and passion I know Mossy will deliver a kick ass script worthy of Bond."

So far the studio's playing things close to the chest, staying mum on casting and plot details. Jason Statham? Clive Owen? Ewan McGregor? ...Chris Harmer...? As I threw out names Teufel laughed while escorting me out of his office. "It's not Chris Harmer, and that's all you'll get out of me for now."