Some Russian Dude Who Resembles Tim Sent This In. Maybe It Was Just Tim in Disguise. Who Knows. So Thanks, Tim/Maybe Tim.

At great expense, an unknown producer has "imported" over a baker's dozen beautiful women to work at the new gentleman's club in town. Though many top reporters have attempted to uncover the identity of the owner, it seems that all of the documents trace back to an undocumented Russian woman who died over 72 years ago.

"Czar's Happy Fun Time", or "CHFT" as the underage patrons call it, opened sometime early last week. Providing music, women, and food (they don't serve liquor as the city officials responsible for giving out licenses were deemed "goody two shoes.")

Every food purchase gives you a slice of bread and free use of a random celebrity who has "passed out" at the club. Celebrities get to go to the super secret back-room where they are given VIP treatment. No one would tell me what goes on back there, but no one has come out conscious. The current cost of a meal is $4 mil.

Some have reported that illegal goods are being sold on the premises. Every item purchased will give a discount on future food purchases. Though I could not find any illegal activity, a man named Boris told me that all goods are one time only, so if they go out of stock a new item will take it's place.

So check out CHFT. Anytime you need to let loose and release all your problems into the world, they can help.

Quantum Removes Sex Ed Teacher From Job, Shares Peanut Butter Cups and Soda

Leann Hunley, or Mrs. Jacobs (as the students like to call her at Hollywood High School), will be leaving her position to participate in the upcoming independent film "The Zen of Travel." Leann will be playing the role of Maria, a "religous restaurant owner who takes in our three young leads." This is the first role for the actress at HTG. Although Leann Hunley couldn't be reached herself, her agent did say "She's very grateful to have the chance to show her stuff here." Leann reportedly beat out Marcia Cross and Kim Cattrall for the role. The Zen of Travel opens July 10th in limited theaters. Jerry Bruckheimer executively produces.

Phae Sends This. Ready, Set, Laser Action!

Have you ever wondered what lies beyond the milky veil of space? Wonder no more. The milky way lies in a dish that is lapped up by the Galactic Cats. When they aren’t battling with each other in the Yarn Wars, they’re setting up training institutions on derelict planets. Phaethon’s Galactic Cat Laser Tag Arcade!TM is one such location.

“Few know of the war that the Galactic Cats are involved in,” says owner Phaethon0017, whose current film Plants vs. Zombies is burning up the box office. “The hairballs these cats cough would eclipse the sun, and their purring would shake our solar orbit.” Crazy as it sounds, scientists say he’s right. Wait, no they don’t.

More harrowing than the dumb concept of an interstellar cat war is a homeless man standing outside of the Arcade. When asked why he is holding a sign that reads “I Wrote Colin’s Comment,” he replied “Got a receipt?” Apparently this man is doing free creative posters and banners for customers of the Arcade who have purchased a token and gift shop item. Why is this happening?

“The prices are high right now because he is doing free creative. I charge $4.5m for doing posters and $2.5m for banners. He’s cutting into my business outside of the store. I need to put costs towards getting a lawyer to counter his claims that he wrote the movie me and… someone else did. It’s shenanigans is what it is!”

Everyone who’s interested in a fun game of laser tag with some awesome celebrities, free creative, and some cool stuff should head over to the Arcade immediately. Dog owners, tie your mutt out front.

And, for one week only, Phaethon is giving an award from his personal collection to each person buying two items from the gift shop.

"Don't wait long!" exclaimed the business owner.

Movie/TV Actor Discovered Alive and Well on Southern Beach

Rumors spread throughout HTG Hollywood late this week that actor Jeff Goldblum, who last appeared in 2007's The Gifted Grafton Owls, had died during a film shoot in northern Canada. Thankfully, the speculation turned out to be a hoax.

Provincial police in British Columbia have reportedly claimed to know nothing of the actor's death where it was to have occured. They stated that they are aware of similar rumors from three to four months ago.

Casting experts throughout the city are also unaware of any film in production that Goldblum is a part of.

Eager to discover the truth from the man himself, reporters from Happening searched for Goldblum, based on information given to them from reliable sources. It turned out that the actor was vacationing in the southern part of the state with a friend. Since the discovery of his location, numerous pictures of Goldblum and his companion in a state of swimming undress have replaced the rumors once travelling across HTG Hollywood.

"I don't know if looking at naked photos of Jeff Goldblum have made my day" a fan of the talent commented, "but at least he's not dead. Now maybe someone will give him a job. I bet he'd make a good Abraham Lincoln or something."

Sully Time (Can't Touch This)

A quick note from the Sully Awards ceremony... Winners for the first installment of the awards are posted here. Congrats to all of the winners and a hats off to Quantum for pulling off the event. We at Happ hope that there is another one.

And Goose Forwards This In. Thanks, Goose. Sorry, Q Ate the Last of the Ice Cream Bars. Maybe Next Time.

Production was moved up for The Kane Files: 10 Digits, just as casting finished. TLM Productions head Goose had been trying to sign Hank Azaria to the project, but couldn't come to terms on money. So, Goose began looking for another actor, when the phone call came in from Lake Hope Features.

"Quantum called me and asked if we could move up the release date from August 7 to July 10." Goose reported." Since filming had already begun, there wasn't much of a problem, except for casting the last role."

The solution came in the form of Gerard Depardeau. He quickly signed on to the project, and will start filming this week. The Kane Files: 10 Digits is a mockumentary directed by Christopher Guest, and stars Christina Applegate as documentary journalist Candace Kane interviewing American's top hand model, Maria Monos Bonita, played by Rosalyn Sanchez. Others signed onto the film are Benjamin Bratt, Kirstie Ally and Lindsay Lohan.

Goose continues to enjoy his success with two films currently in theaters, the crime drama Brothers and the baseball buddy comedy AmateurBall.

Still More News From Quantum. Thanks Quantum. Have a Klondike Bar.

There's nothing to Fear but Fear Itself, right? If you think that, then you're one sad human being. There's lots of other things to be scared about, including Spiders, Vampires, Wolves and Drowning. But the most important thing to be scared of is: Date Changes.

Fear Itself 2, the second installment in the massively popular series, has changed dates, moving from July 3rd to 31st. The change comes after news that one of the shorts is incomplete and creative for the film will not be delivered in time. Yet, for those of you keen to hear new news about the film, this next part of the article is meant for you.

Wilmer Valderamma, known as The Hollywood Stars Star 2nd Baseman "Mickey Dominguez," will be leaving the team to shoot a part in Fear Itself 2. The move comes as a surprise to many as the comedic actor takes a scary turn.

"No, he's not the bad guy in one of the parts of the film," said a Fear Itself associate producer. "He's a heroic leads in one of the shorts." The short in question is being held under wraps, but we have been told that he was cast because of his work on a couple of lower budget RL dramas.

"He's a good actor. He might have been typecast as Fez here, but he's broken the barrier with his performances in The Dead One and Columbus Day. I hope people can see past his popular character and take him more seriously as a three dimensional actor" said another associate producer on the film.

Fear Itself 2 is set for release on July 31st. More news when we get it.