Cat Returns With Big Feature, Co-Chief Makes Questionable Statement

Producer. Studio chief. Critic. Probably a couple other things, but it's late and I can't think of 'em. Teufel. A longtime resident of our city, his appearances in HTG Hollywood haven't been steady, but he has always at least lurked in the background.

And now, thanks to a surprised fellow citizen, Teufel has been outted as a hater of the poor.

"We should bulldoze the slums to make a Malibu parking lot."

Why would Teufel make such a statement? As was pointed out to him, the slums are not close to Malibu. And they provide a place for immigrants to the city to stay before they can get on their feet. After all, half a million dollars isn't a lot to get by with.

With Treasure State, Mark "mc48" Chua's triumphant return to HTG, in buzz now for 21st Century Cat, can Teufel afford to alienate the poor?

"His statement was taken completely out of context" explained a spokesperson from the studio. "Teufel's an advocate for those less blessed than himself and would never think about putting all of those people in the slums out on the street."

Although the 21cc speaker did not explain what Teufel's remark did mean, the future of the studio was commented on.

"Treasure State is just the first of a series of high quality films coming to HTG theatres. Let's not lose focus on what will most certainly be weeks of enjoyable cinema."

Treasure State, directed by Brad Bird and starring Jeffrey Dean Morgan, opens next Friday.

*Picture is a paid model, not the subject of news piece

Klein, Baldwin, Vigoda To Give "Thanks" (By Mac)

While not as exciting as an episode of Jack Benny, CzarTim has put together a new film "Thank You For Protesting", and has slated it for release on July 16th with Mac Studios, a week after another thankful film, "Thank You" opens. Why so much thanks being given in such a short period of time? Well, because Thank You For Protesting is a spoof film of Thank You and the Protest films of late, A Protest Protest if you will. Producer CzarTim will find himself on the screen for this one, along with Chris Klein, Stephen Baldwin, and Abe Vigoda. The trio definitely is the oddest trio to star in a film in recent memory. Klein, fresh off a DUI arrest, needs the cash for his legal defense. Baldwin, for anyone who has visited www.restorestephenbaldwin.com knows, is strapped for cash as well. And Vigoda? Well, he was found wandering around in Godfather park, so we figured we'd get him in on the action. So on July 16th, give thanks. You're welcome.

New Mayor Announced, Fireworks Display Replaces Lap Dancing for Evening

As was announced earlier this weekend, Mayor Megan Fox has stepped down from her post in order to focus on her pregnancy. A new city leader would begin work on Monday. Who is that new leader?

“After much deliberation with my staff,” Miss Fox explained at a news conference Sunday evening, “we have decided that Robert Blutarsky, formerly of New Jersey, shall be the temporary mayor of HTG Hollywood. The length of his term will be determined by his administration.

“Mayor Robert Blutarsky, aka Silent Bob, was chosen in part because of the respect that he has obtained from the city’s residents. During a recent Franchise War, Bob was voted the ‘coolest’ person. We hope that this respect is maintained as he begins his work on Monday.”

On hand for the announcement was the new mayor himself. Through his spokesman, called only “Jay” at the assembly, the city leader made some initial declarations.

“Hello, b*tches” the toque wearing Jay firmly declared. “As the official speaker for my best friend Silent Bob here…”

(The mayor did shake his head at that point.)

“…I would like to say that Jay, that is me, will be the new assistant mayor of this place. If you have any complaints, tough.

“Anyway, we’ve had very little time to prepare. So don’t expect any big miracles right off the bat. Those will come later. For now, just know that we’re taking care of f***ing business.

“No, there isn’t any bonus for using us in a film right now. Sure, hire us if you want (as Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes). But this plus two, plus four stuff? Forget about it.

“And speaking of forget about it, there is one thing that we’re going to make sure happens right away. Bada Bing needs to get opened. How long can those jamocha f***ing dinglebreaths stall on us? Open the club already!

“I guess that’s it for now. We’ll let you all know when some changes are made. Until then, peace out and go watch some Sixteen Candles, b*tches.”

Citizens are advised to keep a watch on the news for further developments. Good luck to Jay and Silent Bob with their new posts and thank you to Miss Fox for all of her hard work for the last year and a half.

She Is? Duh.

For weeks the citizens of HTG Hollywood wondered where the leader of the city, Megan Fox, had gone to. What was the purpose of her absence? When would she return? When would she explain the situation?

When Mayor Fox returned just under two weeks ago, she promised (through spokesman Assistant Mayor R. Wilson) that all questions would be answered soon. And, during the last week, Wilson stated that this weekend those answers would be coming.

Saturday was the day. On the steps of the city building downtown just after noon, a gathering of HTG luminaries waited for the arrival of the mayor. Once the crowd was quieted, Mayor Fox exited Briel Tower. The whispers among those present represented the obvious.

Megan Fox is most definitely pregnant.

Following is a summary of the mayor's announcement.

Mayor Fox discovered that she was with child just after the year began. She knew that the programs that her administration had started would not see completion if she immediately resigned. Through her programs, the mayor felt, the city would greatly benefit.

The mayor left the public eye of the city while not only her programs grew, but so did her unborn child. Now that much of what was begun has come to be, Mayor Fox felt that it was time to move on.

And so, the leader announced, she would be stepping down as mayor as of the end of the weekend. During that time, any casting of Mayor Fox that allows a bonus to her would be allowed. Once Monday begins, all announcements concerning her casting must be made. (Although visitors may not see the change immediately at Briel Tower.)

Effective Monday, a temporary mayor will take office. The name of this person was not given.

"Big things are coming, I can tell" commented a politico present at the announcement.

Residents of HTG Hollywood should stay tuned for further information concerning Megan Fox's exit as mayor and the new city administration.

"Bond. James Bond." (Thanks to 21CC)

Pretty much everyone has recited that line at least once in their life, what has become the signature quote of Ian Fleming's iconic British spy James Bond. Later this year 21st Century Cat Pictures will give moviegoers another reason to say it. 21CC head honcho Teufel made an announcement about the crown jewel of the studio's franchises earlier today.

"I'm very excited to say that work is under way to bring about a James Bond film in time for the holidays," Teufel began to explain from his 21CC office. "We've signed a deal with MossyFilm Pictures and Mossy is already working on a feature length script." A relative newcomer to HTG, Mossy's "Poison" is tearing up the box office with over $200,000,000 and his show "Recompenses" is making the move from cable to network TV next session.

The studio had been planning to show off its available franchises to attract interested producers, but Mossy beat them to the punch. "He introduced himself and brought along a pitch I loved," recounted the studio head. However, for a franchise that's spanned decades and is of Bond's caliber, a great pitch wasn't enough. "I looked into his works and was delighted to find a talented writer. With his combination of talent and passion I know Mossy will deliver a kick ass script worthy of Bond."

So far the studio's playing things close to the chest, staying mum on casting and plot details. Jason Statham? Clive Owen? Ewan McGregor? ...Chris Harmer...? As I threw out names Teufel laughed while escorting me out of his office. "It's not Chris Harmer, and that's all you'll get out of me for now."

More Talent News. Werd, Cha and All That.

A busy weekend at the box office saw four films enter theatres, meaning that four movies had to exit. And that means that the director and top four talents of each film compare the domestic receipts with what they were expecting and Talent Scores increase or decrease. Were there any big movers this week?

The Milliner 1919, the Lucian-produced prequel to, naturally, The Milliner, stayed low key for its run and the results reflected that. Barely missing the 60 million dollar mark, the arthouse film pleased all involved except for star Paul Bettany. His TS lowered to 5.745, meaning he now commands $5,745,000 for a top slot in a big screen production. Not bad, but not as good as the $6,068,000 that he was getting before.

LHF's Picnic Time barely made enough cash to please star Ethan Hawke, but he and his costars managed to accept what the short horror film received.

Sparks: Post Mortem, Mac's independent release of LL Cool J's bomb squad antics, didn't manage 60 mil either. The lower-TS cast was fine with this, except for John Cusack in the number two slot. His score dropped from 10.743 to 10.255. Will approximately half a million in a starring role hurt the actor? Who knows. Probably not. But that's a lot of pizza change.

Fortune City, on the other hand, scored well at the box office with just under 195 million, despite some criticism of its summary format. Most pleased was actress Eliza Dushku, whose TS rose to 4.333. Generally placed in films that raise her score slowly, is the dark-haired beauty on her way to bigger things?

No further word has been given by the HTG talent administration concerning penalties for lowered scores for talents due to exiting films. Will an announcement be made soon?

When Will She Say What She's Going to Say? Ole! That Rhymes, You Know. That's Why I Said It.

Although she has been back for just over a week, Mayor Megan Fox still has not made the speech that she promised. Not to worry, citizens of HTG Hollywood... Assistant Mayor R. Wilson has told the Happening office that the mayor will speak sometime this weekend concerning her absence and the future of city politics.

Stay tuned to this new source and other locations for further developments.