EIC Tells Staff to Insert Title Here, Leaves for Day at Beach With Hair Stylist's Niece

An established HTG publisher may be in trouble with city authorities, but it wouldn't be for normal celebrity reasons. Rather than being investigated for partying or crashing his car into the front glass of a liquor store, the esteemed Chris Harmer has complaints against him concerning recent additions to his HTG home. According to residents in the neighborhood, Harmer has added three silos to his front yard. Although calls to the one-time mayor were not answered as of this writing, a conversation with a neighbor on Ledger Lane gave us some insight.

"It's for storing that blasted poutine of his" explained the gentleman, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of cheese-covered reprisal. "He and his club buddies eat the stuff like Jack Nicholson goes through co-eds. You'd think that the stuff would spoil. Nope. They go through it too quickly. There's a new truck with more of it each morning. It's unsightful and noisy. They have to come down!"

Rumors may have an explanation why Harmer is engaging in such an odd practice. According to word on the street, Harmer is upset that his next film with Miracle Pictures, The Chris Harmer Mysteries: The Case of the Missing Dog, is falling behind on production.

"Oh, these things never go as quickly as you'd like" stated a representative from MP Studios. "But we're on track. We'll be seeing the finished product soon."

The third in the CHM series, the film will also feature Charlize Theron and Kristen Schaal. A Spring release has been announced. Another movie from the studio, Saturn Valley's Kelly & Carissa, is now showing in theatres. MBroderick's Leaving the Bay will open in May.

There's Ice Cream in the Freezer, But I'll Snack on this Broccoli. Don't Need Sugar This Late, Right?

Poster by Saturn Valley

Actor Seth Rogen and producer Marlowe of Miracle Pictures did not have a blowup over a film wrap gift, despite claims made by another HTG news source. Happening is pleased to put this rumor to rest.

As is tradition after making a movie, gifts are present to the stars by the heads of the project as a way of thanks. Saturn Valley's Kelly & Carissa, opening this Friday, will be the eleventh movie or TV show that Rogen has worked with Marlowe on. In fact, the comedic actor is a "friendly talent" to Miracle Pictures Studio. Rogen was presented a present this week by Miracle Pictures, an antique telescope. Known for his interest in astronomy, Rogen's appreciation to Marlowe was underestimated. An argument between the two men ensued, it has been established. But, it turned out, that the telescope was not the cause of the riff.

"It was over details concerning an upcoming movie" explained a Miracle Pictures representative. "And it was just a minor spat. Seth wants to be the lead in the film, but Marlowe believes that his limited work in the film does not earn him that spot. Although Seth will have to appear in one of the other top spots of the movie, a comedy, of course, he'll have to live without the lead."

Further conversation with the rep assured us that the disagreement between Rogen and the studio as finished.

Rogen appears as a perverted paramedic in the upcoming Kelly & Carissa. The film stars Michael Cera and Selena Gomez as man and wife who are involved in a unique act to fix a marital problem. The movie, directed by David O. Russell and written by Saturn Valley, opens this Friday.

Actor Despises Cold, Eats Seafood Nachos to Stay Warm

Actor Michael Cera has found himself in two consecutive movies released by Miracle Pictures. In addition to starring in Kelly % Carissa on April 14, Cera will be featured in MBroderick's Leaving the Bay. In a lesser role for the latter, Cera noted that the San Francisco shoot was quite chilly, compared to the Spanish scenes in K&C.

"It's like the studio's trying to get me to catch cold," remarked the young actor. "But I'm thrilled to have the work. I hope something else comes up soon."

Leaving the Bay concerns the move to Detroit from the Bay Area for Teddy, played by Alden Ehrenreich. The actor last appeared in HTG in 2014's Energy Run. Also starring in LtB is Lupita N’yongo. She portrays Hannah, a close friend to Teddy.

Leaving the Bay is an Ouroboros Productions film to be released in the near future.

Like a Rinestone Cowboy Removed From Soundtrack, Muscle Relaxers to Blame

Michael Cera has been cast in the lead role in the upcoming Kelly & Carissa. Penned by Saturn Valley, who gave us HTGTV's Underground Dan, the movie will focus on Cera's Kelly and his desire to fight a bull to defend his wife's (Carissa) honor.

"It's pretty silly" commented a spokesman from releasing Miracle Pictures. "There's some racy content as well. People should be ready for a wild ride."

This will be the fifth project from Miracle Pictures Studio that includes Cera. A sequel to All Up in That Junk, featuring Cera, is slated for a possible late Summer opening. Kelly & Carissa will be released in April.

Grilled Hamburgers for Lunch Today. Yum Yum.

With Spring rapidly approaching, HTG is seeing an influx of movie advertisements. Among those is a new PJ Flip/Flip Brothers release Fear the Reaper. Mark Wahlberg is set to star as Jack McGraw, a former police detective forced to become a vigilante superhero. Calling himself Eiffel Tower Archer Man, McGraw is out to get the person responsible for his shooting of a boy during a police chase.

"I guess he's looking for himself" stated a worker on the film set. "That gets overlooked, though. Markie's taking on a French accent when he's in his superhero costume, but the Boston voice is just too strong. Talk about distracting, huh."

Also starring in Fear the Reaper are Amanda Seyfried, Lucy Hale and Woody Harrelson as humble Boston bartender Woody. A release date has not been set as of this writing.

You Love Harrison Ford Movies? I Know.

Cherished actor Harrison Ford is under investigation after a recent incident in HTG Hollywood. While driving his '98 Fiat on Monroe Drive, Ford lost control and ventured up onto the sidewalk. No one was hurt, but a few of the stars on the F-M Walk of Fame were scuffed.

"It was quite scary" stated a witness to the event. "That Han Solo guy just drove up onto the sidewalk and ran into a utility pole. If that wasn't there, who knows what would have happened. He stumbled out of the car and starting yelling something about being denied membership to some club. The police came and let him go with a warning. I guess it pays to be a celebrity, huh."

Ford is scheduled to appear in the upcoming The Chris Harmer Mysteries: The Case of the Missing Pooch. The third installment of the series will be released by Miracle Pictures in the Spring.

This Sepia Filtered Picture of My Breakfast Oatmeal Makes Me Gag. Should Have Used Porter.

Whoopi Goldberg is not working on a nude exercise book, despite a report printed in another HTG news source. A supposed “source” is quoted in that other source as claiming Goldberg is a fan of Bill Goldberg's (no relation) book, Tough Buff, and alleges the Two Sisters star “wants to do a exercise book and pose naked with all the workouts.” The purported tipster even says Goldberg is convinced “her concept will succeed because she thinks she’s in the best shape of her life after sitting on her ass for years complaining on a morning talk show.”

Yes, Goldberg enjoys exercise. Yes, she looks buff. But representatives of the comedienne/actress assure us that the book is not forthcoming. Her recent time has been spent concentrating on Two Sisters: Election Night, an upcoming feature from Horizon Pictures by Richard Van Den. Also starring are Angela Bassett, Viola Davis and Alec Baldwin. It is set for release on March 17.