Soundtrack: The Warriors

By Teufel

Battling its way into brick and mortar retailers and Internet merchants this weekend is the soundtrack for the latest Decepitcon Liberation Front action flick, a remake of the 1979 cult classic "The Warriors." Now set in the 1980's the soundtrack boasts a fitting heavy metal selection.

"Years and years ago I stumbled upon a website made by the man who would become HTG's very own mythical Chris Harmer. It celebrated heavy metal with rocking MP3s to download," explained producer Teufel, referencing an ancient time before iTunes, YouTube, and torrents. "It was my first real taste of the genre and I was hooked. One of the first songs I listened to was "The Sentinel" by Judas Priest and so ever since I was a kid I've had a vision of a vicious street gang fight and how it would make a neat story. This dovetailed perfectly with taking "The Warriors" and doing a different spin on it."

When asked for comment the original "The Warriors" director/co-writer Walter Hill, himself a frequent collaborator with Teufel in the past, only offered a blunt: "Tell him to stick to westerns and leave my movie alone."

21CC's "The Warriors" comes to theaters May 1st along with the Flip Bros' "They Came From Planet Earth." It stars Jack Reynor, Anthony Mackie, Diego Boneta, John Boyega, and Henry Hopper. It is directed by Antoine Fuqua, who after a seven year drought in HTG finds himself directing two films only a few weeks apart with this and April 17th's "BOJ: Beginnings."

Track listing:

1.) "Cautionary Warning" by John Sykes

2.) "Youth Gone Wild" by Skid Row

3.) "18 and Life" by Skid Row

4.) "Tonight" by Ozzy Osbourne

5.) "The Sentinel" by Judas Priest

6.) "Into the Arena" by Michael Schenker Group

7.) "A Tout Le Monde" by Megadeth

At Least He Didn't Rap About His Days in Philly

Actor Will Smith was recently spotted at an HTG Hollywood park playing basketball. The Fresh Prince's love for the game is well known. This game, however, was not your usual pick-up.

You see, Smith was playing against two fifth graders from Busey Elementary School. And he made no adaptations for participating against two ten-year-olds. Apparently, Smith desires to win at any cost.

"It was horrible" explained an onlooker. "He ran into those poor kids like they were grown men. And, whenever he made a basket, he'd yell 'Welcome to Earf' at his distraught opponents. What was he thinking?"

Smith will be appearing as Secret Service Agent Johnson in next Friday's They Came From Planet Earth. It is the first HTG film role for the actor in five years.

"Maybe he was overly joyful that he was working" another witness to the game theorized. "But he got paid an arm and a leg. He probably will be all right for a few years."

They Came From Planet Earth will open with 21CC's The Warriors on May 1st.

Did You Look Where Your Missing Socks Are?

Making movies is a costly business. If you spend X amount of dollars to create a film, it would be nice to get more than X amount of dollars back. Long-time HTG Hollywood resident PJ Flip realizes this. And, with his movie They Came From Planet Earth coming out on May 1st, PJ is determined for the movie to make a profit... at any cost.

So on Saturday, PJ spent more than 1.4 billion dollars (yes, not million... billion) to ensure he personally has the ad moxie to promote a movie. He spent the day at Mega Mart and various car lots to buy enough items and cars to make sure his movies do well. He purchased, among other things, thirty cars with thirty bobble heads. They were placed in three layers of a garage. But the joy in the new cars would be cut short.

PJ lost the box that the car keys were delivered in.

"Can you believe it?" stated an onlooking resident of the city as he watched PJ dig through the back of his normal transportation. "If I had all those new cars, I'd think about driving them occasionally. Bummer."

A spokesperson for PJ Flip Productions could not be reached for comment.

They Came From Earth opens alongside 21CC's The Warriors on May 1st.

Could You Pass Me the Peanut Butter? I Can't Eat Anything Without My Skippy!

Will Lucian Carter's new documentary, XCC: Enter Roger Trint, answer that question?

Unknown to the mixed martial arts world a short time ago, Roger Trint has amassed quite the reputation with Xtreme Cage Combat over the last five years. Where did he come from? How did he turn the small California MMA organization into one to be watched?

"These documentaries concerning Trint's rise should give everyone all the information that the need" stated color commentator Steven Seagal at a recent meeting. "It's a pretty good look at the CEO, plus an inside glance at the XCC in general. Now, if you'd excuse me, I'd like to have a stuntman go beat on the chef. This pasta is overcooked!"

XCC: Enter Roger Trint opens today. It is a Possum Lodge Studios release of a Ship of Fooles production.

Close Encounters of the Movie Kind

Are flying saucers the next big rage in HTG Hollywood? With the extensive ad campaign operated by producer PJ Flip for They Came From Planet Earth, it seems that the alien objects may indeed be the next big thing in the city.

"We were, like, out on the north side of the Big O," began a citizen who recently spoke to this reporter. "We were sipping some wine, enjoying the stars, then all of a sudden there was this big ol' whoosh and something flew overhead. It freaked us out, man! I tell ya, who knows what it was. We've been back out at the lake most every night since. But we haven't seen anything. I'm telling you, it was a flying spaceship from outer space! What else could it be?"

After some inquiries at HTG Private Airport in HTG Malibu, this reporter discovered that a chartered helicopter did make a pass over the lake at the time the resident was present. This information, though, did not disuade him.

"No way! It was a flying saucer! I've seen helicopters before. This wasn't a helicopter. Aliens are here, man!"

Have the ads for They Came From Planet Earth caused panic in the man? More such incidents have not been reported. But that hasn't stopped the lake visitor.

"I'm going to start some sort of organization to look into this. If they're out there, I'm going to find out!"

They Came From Planet Earth, featuring an all-star cast, opens on May 1st. It is a PJ Flip production to be released by Flip Brothers Studio.

These Rumors Are Highly Illogical

William Shatner did not father a little girl who is now two years old, despite a new claim. A source close to the sci-fi icon told us it is completely untrue. According to rumors going around HTG Hollywood, Shat fathered a daughter with an HTG Valley woman, an out of work employee of the defunct Club Siberia. There are claims of “legal documents” that are “under court seal and are "confidential.” In those supposed court papers, it’s noted that “William Shatner has agreed to take a paternity test,” but the actor is so sure he’s the girl’s dad that he’s already begun “voluntarily paying the woman 5 million dollars a month in child support.”

But Shatner's associate assures us that the gossip is indeed false.

Shat last appeared in the Harmertastic Iron Chef: The Movie. He has been seen in seven Miracle Pictures films to date, plus has guested on the HTG TV show It's Always Me. He will appear next in PJ Flip's They Came From Planet Earth, opening on May 1st.

Some of you may have seen the ads on the message board.

Thank You For Being a Wild Drunk

Legendary actress Betty White was arrested early Thursday morning in a back room of the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York, according to sources. The police, who responded to a call around 1:30 a.m. about a fight, said White was allegedly drunk and refused to come out of the storeroom. The 93 year-old star was slurring her speech and acting belligerently, according to the police. Apparently, the trouble first began during an interview with TV host David Letterman, where White was boozing earlier and had been asked to leave after the second segment because she was acting “unruly.”

When the police arrived, they found White locked inside a room reserved for storage of cue cards used on past shows. The police asked her several times to come out, but she refused, and so officers were forced to drag her out.

The comedy legend was taken to jail and charged with trespassing, being drunk in public, resisting arrest, and battery on a police officer for allegedly kicking a cop. She was issued a citation, and later released. White has yet to release a statement.

Miss White is currently appearing in artwork for a caption contest on the HTG message board. Whether this prompted her to do what she did or not is unknown.