She Gives the Term "Squat Thrust" a Whole New Meaning, Huh

While dozens of citizens are pleading for a skate park somewhere in HTG Hollywood, Mayor Megan Fox is content with exercising at an exclusive gym on the edge of the city.

"It hardly seems fair" complained an upset skater. "Most people don't have the kind of money that the mayor has. She can afford an expensive gym membership. But people like us, people in danger of getting run over by unobservant motorists, we can't afford to build a safe place to enjoy what we do. That's why we need rich people like the mayor to lend a hand."

Richer residents of the city are invited to donate whatever funds they can to centralbank with the subject Skate Park Donation.

The mayor could not be reached today concerning this topic.

Really. Do We Want More of That in Our Town?

Outdoor skating enthusiasts staged a protest-on-wheels on Saturday in front of city hall to bring attention to a cause dear to their heart... a skate park in HTG Hollywood.

"Right now there's no safe place to enjoy the sunshine while skating" a skating enthusiast explained. "We have a ton of places where a skating park could be put, for very little cost to this very rich city. It would be a nice addition to the map, plus help a portion of the citizenry a great deal. But what do those fat cats upstairs do? They build gun emplacements on our shores. Anti-shark detection systems. And a tank. A tank? A pink one, to boot. When will Mayor Fox get her priorities straight?"

According to representatives from the mayor's office, however, the funding for a skate park does not exist at this time.

"If we had donations, sure, a skate park would be nice. But, let's face it, we're spending resources on other more important projects at this time."

Although the amount that it would take to build a skate park was not mentioned, it was stated that any donations for such a project should be sent to centralbank with the subject Skate Park Donation.

They Couldn't Get the Guy Who Directed That Commercial With That Cute Dog? Too Bad.

Fear Itself 3 is gearing up production with F/X guru and director Robert Kurtzman at the helm, with producers blueothello (The Suicide Hand Guide), RandomFX (Terminal Fear), Marlowe (Tales of Terror and Suspense) and Quantum (The Raven) providing the stories.

Blueothello's segement is currently called "Maintenance" and follows "a group of plumbers who head down into the sewers to fix a broken drain pipe, only to encounter something sinster and deadly." Luke MacFarlane and Christopher Gorham are slated to play two of the plumbers.

RandomFX's segement is tentatively titled "Itch" and is about "Eric, who one night gets an itch on his back. The following morning, he notices that the itch is now a blister. Later that day he notices that it's begun to weep. Soon it starts to grow and continue to itch. The itch then moves, leading to a series of bizarre and bloody events." Chris Hemsworth is slated to play Eric.

Marlowe's segement is being kept under wraps, but it's said to be starring Jesse Eisenberg.

Quantum's segement is currently called "She's Out of My League" and it is about "An office drone who begins to be stalked by a beautiful co-worker who may or may not be real." Scott Wolf is slated to play the said office drone.

Fear Itself 3 is being released by Checkmate Pictures. It is slated for an April release.

Who Do You Think?

Clint Eastwood is one of the finest filmmakers in the world. He's also one of movie history's greatest badasses, thanks largely to the Dirty Harry franchise.

Let's be honest, if they wanted to relaunch the series of films and recast the Inspector, they wouldn't be able to get close to Clint's portrayal. But, if they absolutely had to, who do you think would best pick up Harry's gold badge?

Three Networks Begin Battle for Ratings

No long story here. Just want to cheer that the new HTG TV shows are on the air! Woo hoo!

News. Bond News. I Stirred It Just to Teach Him a Lesson.

Rumors have been circulating about the set of the new James Bond film where it was reported that Ewan McGregor was forcibly removed from the studio lot and subsequently fired late Tuesday night. The cast and crew had been filming one of the first scenes of the movie when production had to be shut down. Filming has been suspended until next week as the studio scrambles to replace McGregor.

"I've heard of method acting, but he took it a bit far," stated one crew member, who wished to remain anonymous. "He was constantly drunk, he fought everyone who looked remotely foreign, and he hit on every woman he saw." His behavior came to a head when he began to flirt with director's wife. "It was awkward for everyone on set, she was clearly into it."

Ewan was already a controversial choice for the British secret agent Fans of the series have been complaining on various message boards ever since he was announced. "Was Rowan Atkinson unavailable?" proclaimed one such virgin. Though it should be noted that appeasing fan boys has been scientifically proven to be impossible.

21st Century Cat owner, KrisGreet, made a public statement to address the situation yesterday. "I was unhappy with what I was seeing from the dailies, so we decided to change directions. I cannot comment on anything that may or may not have taken place while on set."

CzarTim, the writer of the film and owner of But Alas Pictures, has been on vacation while the controversy has taken place. When reached for comment, he began to scream into the phone, "THEY CASTED WHO? Damnit! I knew this free vacation was too good to be true!" He then proceeded to slam the receiver against the wall until connection was lost.

Rumored to be replacing McGregor is Clive Owen. Owen and the studio have been in talks since yesterday morning in an effort to resume filming at the start of next week.

The studio has confirmed that the film's release date will not change. Shatterhand will be out on July 2nd.

I Threw My Shoulder Out When I Rose My Hand Quickly. Pleasure and Pain. Oh, the Sweet Agony.

In a startling piece of news from HTG City Hall, it has been discovered that Mayor Megan Fox has been nursing a desire to have children. Our city leader was recently heard saying the following:

“No one believes me when I talk about this, but I’m really maternal,” the mayor stated. “I worry that because I’ve always wanted kids so much, as the world goes sometimes, I won’t be able to have them – even though I would be able to provide them with such an amazing environment.”

According to Assistant Mayor R. Wilson, this desire by Miss Fox does not affect the quality of her service to HTG Hollywood.

"The mayor is committed to bringing the highest quality of life to its citizenry. Look at how far the city has progressed over the last 14 months. We have so much good going on that it is difficult to get something new and beneficial on the plate. But we will do our best to do so. Mayor Fox will stay in office, mother or not, until everything that she has promised comes to pass. That's how dedicated she it."

HTG Police under the supervision of Chief Carl O. Winslow were called downtown this afternoon when a flock of men (and three confused women) came to the mayor's office to volunteer support for her maternal need. Many would not leave when they were told to leave.

"It was sure a flood of support for the mayor's work" Wilson continued. "All of those people wishing to help the mayor become a mother. It was heartwarming. Unfortunately, Mayor Fox was not in this afternoon, but at a location to be discussed at a further time. If she was here, I'm sure that she would have been thrilled."